I was only ever good at crashing parties

By Aishwarya Raviganesh

I was only ever good at crashing parties,

And staying holed up in places I didn’t belong.

Leaving traces, then changing faces,

I know I wish I never crashed yours.

I’m guilty,

In more ways than one,

I know, but it hasn’t exactly been fun.

Maybe I scared you,

I didn’t mean to.

This was supposed to be a fresh start, after all.

Even if it was the ninth clean slate I'd pulled out that year -

To you,

I was new.

I’ve been party to the same kind of politics that tore apart,

My young, foolish, twelve-year old dignity,

I was seeking some kind of sick vengeance.

I didn’t think I had it in me,

But it looked like I’d found my party.

I'd underestimated the damage that I could do.

But to you,

I was new.

Bright and shiny, I was ready,

To see how much better I could be.

Nothing helps you find a disguise like self loathing does,

I’d played the new girl trope enough,

Abandon ship, skip town,

New face, new person,

Every single time that things went south.

There was no better time to skip the act,

And play the one part,

I was actually terrible at.

I wish I could say that went well,

It didn’t.

I thought vulnerability would be the lesser enemy,

Help me ease into my pain, make me feel less guilty,

Talk about all the other parties I’d deserted.

I struggled,

But I wasn’t going to lead myself astray.

Just when I finally felt like I’d made the climb,

There came another wave of pain,

That I simply didn’t know how to explain.

And yet, there I was, the picture of vulnerability,

Sobbing, sputtering,

Trying to get you to reach back out to me.

I wish I could say that went well,

It didn’t.

I guess I’d earned my first karmic branding,

At least I was still standing.

But what about you?

You close one door, it opens another.

Maybe I had it coming,

But when you hear that quivering voice at night,

I know it’ll remind you of me.